Learn from Patty Blue Hayes on re-framing your thoughts to empower you to move forward with your new life.
The “Change” that Helped Me Heal From My Divorce?
Why did he do this? How could she lie to me all those years? What did I do wrong?
Sound familiar?
When we’re left standing stunned trying to make sense of the chaos that delivered the end of our marriages, in our attempt to comprehend the events, we ask a lot of low-quality questions.
I asked myself all the time, why wasn’t I good enough?
Nothing productive can come from a question like that. That question doesn’t serve your healing, the recovery of your feelings of self-worth or your growth as a person.
In fact, it’s a bit of a victim statement.
I vowed never to act like a victim during my separation and divorce because I’d seen the effects of the why-me?-mentality in my mother during and after my parent’s divorce.
But my vocabulary was very much that of a victim, someone who felt helpless and felt like life was happening to me without my permission. While this is a normal stage to go through when our lives have been changed because of our spouse’s choice and decision, we do have a choice in how we respond to the new circumstances.
I was fixated on wanting to know why things happened the way they did in the last few years of my marriage. I wanted to crawl into my ex-husband’s mind and figure out the moment things changed for him and to observe my own behavior in an attempt to find an answer.
In my mind, I thought my questioning meant I was interested in learning about ways to improve myself so I would never have to go through that hell again.
But asking why did it happen just takes us in circles, that I’m sure you’ve also experienced at two in the morning on another sleepless night.
A growth-mindset question is; What can I learn from this? Or, what have I learned or what would I like to learn?
When we start asking better questions we get better quality answers.
Other questions to rephrase:
What’s wrong with me? -> What’s right with me?
Why was I so stupid? -> How can I be more observant?
How will I ever find anyone to love me? -> How do I learn to love myself?
Divorce delivers a multitude of issues to deal with seemingly all at once; the division of property, custody, and visitation of children and/or pets, moving out of the home you shared and possibly looking for employment or readjusting to a different lifestyle.
It would be fair to say there are a lot of problems to deal with during divorce.
But what if you relabeled them as challenges?
When we think of a challenge, we think of something that can be met with a solution. A problem, on the other hand, is an annoying situation that may be ongoing or permanent!
This may sound strange but I’ve often suggested to my clients that they put their hope aside. I hope everything will work out. I hope I get through this. I hope I’ll find a place to live.
Say those statements with the word trust in place of hope.
Doesn’t it feel a bit more grounded to say that you trust it will be?
Can’t, won’t and choose. It’s your choice whether you can’t or won’t.
I can’t get over her. I can’t stop thinking about her with that other guy.
Is this accurate, really? Saying we cannot do something literally means we are not able to. It certainly feels like we’re not able to, but if we shift to claiming that this is our choice, we may start to see a way to manage our thoughts and feelings, to use tactics that help us think of them less frequently.
I choose not to get over him. I’m choosing to keep thinking about him.
Doesn’t that sound ridiculous! Why would we choose to keep thinking about the person that hurt us so deeply? Using this new vocabulary can bring our awareness to the fact that we do have choices.
Healing from the devastating multiple losses from divorce requires us to change. I had to change the way I thought about myself, what I believed about marriage, permanence, and family.
Our healing paths are all unique to us. There are many practices and tools you’ll collect along the way. These small vocabulary tools can help you if you choose to use them
Comments